04.04.06
Why We Fight
Dick and I went to see the movie “Why We Fight” last night. It is a “must-see” for everyone as far as I’m concerned, though beware - it is a bit depressing. Not that I didn’t already know most of what was in the movie, but it certainly drove all of it home and still didn’t answer the question. So…I ask you, why do we fight? The answers are easier on a global scale, but when we take it down to our own lives, it takes on a different light. Why do we fight in our relationships with others? How much fighting do we do? People often don’t believe us when Dick and I tell them that we don’t fight. We certainly disagree and have had an occasional arguement. We also banter or bicker in a good natured playful way, but the real fights that I have had with others in the past just don’t exist between us. I guess it’s a matter of perspective, too. My 15 year old son often says that he and I fight a lot. I don’t see it that way and neither do his much older siblings who grew up in a dramatic and very loud, sometimes scary household. If anyone even slightly raises their voice to him, he says they’re yelling. Again, it’s all relative. I think it’s all based in fear and ego driven. If we let go of our egos and deal with our fears, we will have no pull to fight. We’ll just observe those “odd” behaviours with interest and maybe even amusement. Do you fight? Why do you fight? How do you think we can we stop all the fighting?
Aurelius said,
April 5, 2006 at 12:00 am
I have to take a moment out of my desperate death march on madblog to try to stay ahead on credits to echo your statements on relationships. It took me until I was 29 to find my current partner, but we don’t fight. Part of it resides in our shared views on religion, politics, and the meaning of life - the other part, I think, just has to do with being older and more mature.
I don’t think the movie ‘Why We Fight’, was a good springboard into your discussion, but I do agree that some of us have a level of relationship where fighting just does not occur.
Stay Groovy.
sandra said,
April 5, 2006 at 1:29 am
So much depends on the situation, in addition to perspective as you pointed out. My husband and I used to fight on every vacation, and on weekends. This went on for a long time (years!) before we had the lightbulb moment. We finally noticed the pattern and then broke it down. We noticed that we each had a very different set of expectations about the vacation or weekend. Not only that but there was an added charge because we would each be really looking forward to that time off, which doubled the emotion factor. This made for some bad fights at times when we should have been bonding. In the end we discovered it didn’t matter if our expectations were different, we could work around that, it just helped to know what the other person was excited about. Then we actually wanted to make an effort meet that need in each other in addition to doing our own thing. Now we really do well during our time off.
Another thing I think we often fail to do, is to listen actively. Which often means paraphrasing to the person so that they know that we understand them. Not necessarily agree, but understand what it is they are trying to say. People shout when they don’t feel heard.
How’s that for a long comment! Thanks for your thoughtful comment on my blog. I will look forward to hearing your music sometime.
Deb said,
April 5, 2006 at 7:50 am
Thanks for your comments. It’s refreshing to know that there are more people out there who have figured it out and are really thinking about their relationships and how they relate. What a good idea to break it down and try to understand what is happening when those fights do happen. We struggle with vacations, too. Maybe your comment will help turn that around. I also agree that listening is the most improtant part of any relationship and an important skill that many of us lack. The movie was the springboard only because of the timing. That was was it made me think of all of this on a larger scale. The politics of it all are too discouraging right now to write about. I’m sure I’ll get to it later.