08.28.09
Don’t let another day go by … It’ll be just like starting over, starting over … John Lennon
Birthday time has always been a very reflective time for me, as I hope it is for everyone. Because of raising kids and having worked in schools or at least worked on a school schedule, with my birthday falling at the end of the summer, it is more the beginning of a new year for me than New Years Day. I don’t really understand New Years. Our yearly cycles run from birthday to birthday. Why do we need a universal date created by humans to mark our cycles? A few minutes ago, I was driving to a local cafe to write this post, thinking about my ability to always fly above my struggles. I was also remembering that, until pretty recently, I was very much a loner. I had a crippling shyness that came out of fear, though I always longed to be social and surrounded by loving people. A lot of people find this hard to believe because I have always fought it and am sometimes very successful. As I drove through the parking lot a few minutes ago thinking about this post, I saw a hawk standing on the curb, looking right at me. We stared at each other for at least a minute, and then he cocked his head and walked off into the tall grass. It was interesting that he didn’t fly away. I have also stopped flying away. I prefer to stand my ground.
I had started writing my life story two years ago. I’m not sure why except that it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Recently my daughter wrote her story. She warned me about it since she knows I often read her blog. Whew! It was very hard to read. It was heart-wrenching and heartwarming. I cried tears of sorrow and tears of love. I’m very glad I read it. It was a great gift to hear her story from her perspective. I think parents sometimes forget that our children have their own unique experiences of the same events. This was a big reminder for me. And … what a rare opportunity I’ve had to get a glimpse of that. Reading it is very different from hearing it told. We write from a different place and usually rewrite so that it reads exactly the way we want it. I wish now that I could read each of my children’s stories. Maybe I will get to do that someday. But now it is my turn to write.
When I wrote my story earlier, I started with adulthood, skipping the most painful things. I did that partially to shield my family, who I thought might happen upon it and be upset by what they read. I skipped the hardcore things because I didn’t want to offend anyone or have them think badly of me. I am turning 56 years old and have had a full and sometimes very difficult life, though always full of adventures. I don’t care anymore. You can like me or not. You can be angry or not. This is who I am. I also skipped things because I thought they were uninteresting. Again … so what? Some people will want to read it, or no one will want to read it. It’s not for you. It is for me and for my children and grandchildren. After reading Fyre’s story, I’ve decided to start my story again – from the beginning. I hope that my parents understand that I know they always did the best they could and always wanted the best for me. Reading Fyre’s blog, I totally believed that throughout. No matter what happened in her life, it was clear that she felt loved. No matter what happened in my life, I always felt loved. No matter what happened or will happen in my life, I have always loved completely and without reservation and always will. We only have one life, and it is good!