08.23.07
Posted in Uncategorized, babble at 10:59 pm by Deb
It’s hard to believe that it’s been so long since I’ve written anything. A friend commented on a post from back in March. That inspired me to write this tonight. I actually forgot about it, that’s how crazy things have been. At least I’ve been writing in my journal every day. I even managed to write a song the other day, and though it wasn’t great, at least I wrote it. I had a dream the other night about getting ready for a gig with X, who is gone - maybe to another life by now. I wonder how long before you jump into another go around. Anyway, we had everything set-up, so I went off to find a quiet place to tune-up and warm-up with my lap dulcimer. I found an empty dining room and started playing an old traditional song, “The Water is Wide.” As I was playing it, I realized that I had never played it on dulcimer before and really liked how it sounded. I usually play guitar and like that version very much, but this was even better with beautiful harmonies. Now I am working it out on dulcimer for future shows. I’ve never had a dream that gave me inspiration for music before this, or at least I haven’t noticed. I have been dreaming tons lately. I think it may have something to do with the medication I’m taking. I’m certainly not complaining. I love remembering my dreams and writing them down. A couple of years ago, I read quite a few dream books. They were all encouraged about writing down dreams as soon as you wake up. I’ve found that it helps me remember them longer, helps me remember more about them as I write and seems to help me continue to be able to remember them as the days go on. I still go through phases of not remembering, but usually remember at least little snippets. It makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, though. I just want to stay in bed and dream all morning. No chance of that actually happening these days. Grandsweetie’s been home most of the summer. Between work, taking care of her, housework and chores, and doing all the gigs we’ve been getting it’s a wonder I can still stand. So much for getting lots of rest to cure the Graves. School starts in a few weeks. That will help a lot. I’ll also get more work at that time which, though it will keep me a little busier, will relieve the stress around money. Meanwhile, we are entering the big birthday marathon. First comes my birthday on Wednesday, followed by FyreGoddess on Friday, then my youngest son, RC2, on Saturday. Whew! It makes my head spin just thinking about it. Hopefully, I can get back on track in so many ways toward the middle of September. Look for more then.
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05.05.07
Posted in Uncategorized, babble, life's stories at 11:50 pm by Deb
Life is full of strange twists. I just recently saw the movie “Following Sean.” It’s about a filmaker’s reconnection with a young man who was the subject of an award winning film he made in college. Sean was a 4-year old living upstairs from Ralph Arleck in Haight Ashbury, San Francisco in the late 60s. The original film is a series of “interviews” with him. “Following Sean” is a look at how his life turned out many years later. There were many predictions made, by people who had seen the original film, about how Sean would turn out. As someone who raised her children in a very unorthodox environment, I was very anxious to see the film. I had mixed feelings about it and got into a very interesting conversation about it with my daughter. The next day, I still had our conversation on my mind all day. When I checked my e-mail, I found that someone had commented on my blog entry about living in the artist commune, Project One, in San Francisco. I also found an e-mail from an old friend who happened to live in a sister commune, Project Artaud, at around the same time. I hadn’t heard from him in a while and was a little struck by the serendipity of his timing. However, I was completely blown away by the comment which was from a woman who actually lived at Project One when she was 9-years old. I immediately wrote back to her and have been fascinated by her own struggles throughout her life as a result of her experiences. I told her that many of us who raised children during those wild times made mistakes and might do things differently today, but all in all loved our children and thought we made the right choices at the time. We were running from what we saw as an oppressive society and looking for more freedom, giving that freedom in turn to our children. A lot of good things came out of that time, and all of our experiences made us who we are today. I keep wondering why I’m having these connections with that time all of a sudden. What is the message here? Once again, I wanted to share it with X, but he’s not here to enjoy the irony of it all. Hopefully he’s chuckling about it wherever he ended up. I hope I can keep the connection with this woman. She is a wonderful artist. I’ve enjoyed our e-mail conversations so far and hope to have more.
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04.21.07
Posted in Uncategorized, babble, music news at 8:04 am by Deb
Boo-hoo! Our Caffe Lena showed got snowed out! We’ve rescheduled for September. We have been playing so much ( 4 - 5 times a month, sometimes more) it’s been hard to do this writing. I am writing in my journal everyday, though. Thank goodness I have that at least.
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03.01.07
Posted in Uncategorized, babble at 2:35 pm by Deb
My body has finally decided to make me stop being caretaker to the world. I have been diagnosed with Graves Disease. The really bizarre thing about all of this is that X’s live-in girlfriend/partner of the last 13 years has Graves. That was one reason why she couldn’t care for him when he was dying or pick up the pieces after he died. The disease is triggered by intense grief (often from the death of a loved one) or stress. The stress I’ve had for years now, though it certainly was compounded recently. The grief was very intense. Now I’m trying not to be stressed out about this illness. Last week, I thought I was going to die. I have never felt so sick in my life. My pulse, when I woke up in the morning, was 128. I’ve always had a slow pulse and low blood pressure. I was also shaking 24 hours a day, like really shaking. I’m finally taking some things that have calmed things down a bit, though I do get exhausted very quickly. Boy, I really need a vacation now. In the meantime, I’ve started a new schedule of going to bed by 9:30 pm and waking up at 5:30 am. Yikes! That’s a tough change. However, it’s giving me time in the morning to do things for myself like my journal writing and writing or practicing music, time to have a good breakfast, and time to hang out in a relaxed way with Grandsweetie before going off to work. My days have been so much less stressful as a result. Thanks to my wonderful partner! And… I’m planning to get back to writing my life stories again now that I have made time in the morning. I don’t have X to ask about details anymore, so I’d better get to work before it all disappears.
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02.12.07
Posted in Uncategorized, babble at 11:19 pm by Deb
Death is such a fascinating phenomenon. It puts everyone through such a wide range of emotions. We dread it and fear it, though some of us welcome it. The survivors inevitably grow and learn from it. Until X died last month, I hadn’t lost anyone very close to me since I was a child. Though Grandsweetie’s mother died almost two years ago, which definitely threw me for a while, I hadn’t been that close to her at the end. It was hard, she was so distressed and often belligerent to me. I still miss her though and wish she were around to love her beautiful daughter. But I’m digressing. I forgot what real intense grief is like. It has been interesting noticing the different stages. The first two weeks, when I least expected it, I was overtaken by deep crying. I washed my car a lot in those first few weeks. An automatic carwash is a great place to let yourself lose it emotionally. You can scream and cry for those couple of minutes, and no one can hear or see you. Boy, my car was really clean. Now I keep expecting X to show up to pay child support or just hang out. Also, for some reason, people from our ( X’s and my) past have randomly shown up at our (Kav and Cav’s) last two shows, not realizing I was one of the performers and also not knowing that X had died only weeks before. These were people from at least 20 years ago. Then … I wanted to call X up to tell him about it. Life just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Thankfully, Grandsweetie has stopped playing “dead”. She kept laying her dolls down on the floor and telling me to cry because they were dead. Then we had to take turns being dead while the other person cried. No one else would play this game with her. I thought and still think she is brilliant and figured out her own way of dealing with all the death she has experienced in her brief 3 years. It was a hard game to play, though. I have to admit that I am relieved it’s over. Now we have all of X’s things to deal with as well as legal issues, property, etc. I’m sure we will figure it all out, then things can get back to normal - whatever that is.
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01.19.07
Posted in Uncategorized, babble at 1:11 pm by Deb
What a strange time this is. I have been going through old papers that belonged to Paul and I - band flyers, journals, set lists, notes to each other or our kids, all kinds of random things. I never realized that he saved so much. He has cards the kids made for him or us when they were very young. He has letters he wrote to people and never sent. He was always very good at that. I have to sort in small doses. It gets way too overwhelming. I have put together a binder with most of our band posters sorted chronologically. That was really fun to do. I know there are some missing, but who knows what happened to them. The band, General Eclectic, was very popular in the mid-late 80s. There is lots of memorabilia from those years. I also found a link to a “What venues do you miss from the Capital Region” post that mentions us. If you search the page (Control-f) for General Eclectic, it will take you right to the Half Moon Cafe post.
The memorial is pretty well set to go. It is going to be a huge event. He deserved it. Everything is fitting into place nicely. We have friends helping out and being part of the service. Basically, he wanted a big party, so the service will be the first hour or so, then party for the rest of the time. We have 5 hours reserved at the hall. There will be lots of music and memorabilia. I really hope I am able to sing the song I wrote for him while he was dying. I guess we’ll see. Once the service is over, I think we’ll all be okay. I hope so. It all comes in waves.
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12.29.06
Posted in babble, holidays, life at 3:22 pm by Deb
Well, I think that Scrooge had it right. Bah, humbug! That’s how I feel this year. In less than a week, and right before Solstice and Christmas, we found out that X has very serious lung cancer. We all spent days and nights at the hospital after he was rushed by ambulance to the ER and put on a respirator for 5 days. We didn’t think he was going to make it at all. Now he’s being told he has about a year to live. He is 51 years old! We had a whirlwind life together with lots of adventures and even more drama. He is one of my oldest friends. I realized how much I count on him to remember details about those years. He’s always been the one to keep track of names and dates, etc. None of us have even had a chance to get used to the idea yet. We’ve been thrust into management mode. We have to figure out how he’s going to survive this year and where he’s going to be. He can’t live a half-hour away in a run-down moldy trailer in the woods without people around to help him out. He’s on oxygen now and can’t get around very well. He certainly can’t drive himself anywhere. None of our three children have cars, and only one of them has a license. There is a huge support network here that would be an enormous help and already has been helping these past two weeks. I have to just stop and cry sometimes so I can think clearly again. I want to write a song, but can’t get there yet. I’m sure I will eventually. I actually sat down and played the guitar for a little while today for the first time in two weeks. Grandsweetie is out of school until Wed., RC2 is out of school for the next month for intersession apprenticeships, work, community service and/or travel, and I would like to have my house to myself for at least a little while. I can’t even imagine what RC2 must be going through now. He is 16-years old and facing losing his father to lung and possibly bone cancer within a year. I’m so glad he has his music to sustain him somewhat. I really want my music back, and not just gigs, either. I feel like I’m maintaining by playing gigs and doing my promo stuff, but I want my songwriting and practice back. I remember when music was my life. Now it’s pretty much turned into business. Thankfully, it’s still lots of fun and inspires me greatly. All of this will pass, and things will be back on track. I can’t wait!
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12.14.06
Posted in babble, music news at 11:49 pm by Deb
Life is as crazy as ever, but things continue to fall into place just as they should. When will I ever get the message to try not to rush things, but to just let things happen in their own time? There are so many things up in the air right now that are dependent on others to be completed… As always there isn’t enough time in the day to do everything I want to… Once again I need to give up completely and surrender to the powers that be, whatever they be… This weekend will be filled to overflowing with events and commitments. I think I’ll just add a day into the weekend to accomplish the home and holiday things that will still need doing. Why did I think that I could raise a toddler and a 16-year old and pursue a career in music? And…where were you when I had this crazy thought? After this weekend, we will have had 5 gigs in 8 days. I guess maybe I should practice saying “no!” It’s so much fun, though. We keep getting better and better. Last night, and this morning, we were so relaxed and performed really well - despite the fact that Dick has a chest cold with a raspy throat. Not only are we well polished lately, but our performing has improved greatly because we’re doing so much of it. We are even managing to continue to work on some new things. We should have a new fiddle tune pretty soon and another traditional song. We are pulling out some older originals that we put on the shelf for a while and working on at least one new one. We have really settled into Deep Elem Blues and Shady Grove. They are very smooth and easy now - and people really like them both. I think it may be because they are traditional but were both covered by rock & rollers. Everyone seems to recognize them. Also, our upgraded website should be up and running soon. We have a new logo and new color scheme for the website in the works as well as having our promo package almost completed. It’s been lots of fun working on it. I love being involved in the visual arts end of it as well as the music. Many thanks again to Dan Rain for all his work on the site and the graphic arts.
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12.09.06
Posted in Uncategorized, babble at 7:35 pm by Deb
My daughter, FyreGoddess, just accepted a new contract doing more accounting - something she really doesn’t want but is accepting rather than be unemployed right now. It reminds me of her first year back at public school after years at The Albany Free School, a very alternative school. She had the incredible bad luck to get a math teacher who believed in teaching the lesson for the week on Monday then giving worksheets and homework for the rest of the week. Fyre was not only not used to this style of teaching, but it made her “unlearn” the lesson. She went to her math teacher and asked to make a deal. The deal was that he would let her do whatever she wanted during his class period, and if she could pass the test on Friday without doing the worksheets and homework, she could continue the next week doing whatever she wanted during that class period through the end of the year. If at any time she failed the test, she would do the work. That afternoon I got a call from him telling me that he “wanted to teach her a lesson” and wanted my permission to approve the deal. He was very snide about the whole thing, so I, chuckling to myself, told him to go right ahead. I thought a lesson was certainly in order. Fyre, true to form, spent the rest of the year doing all of her homework for her other classes and reading many wonderful books. In June, I got another call from him, thanking me for letting the deal go through. He told me he was reevaluating his style of teaching as a result of this experience. Fyre always was a go-getter and still is. Go get ‘em, Fyre!
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12.08.06
Posted in trivia, babble, music news at 9:54 am by Deb
Back on December 8th in 1980, one of biggest heroes was shot and killed. I remember that day very vividly. He was my hero as an activist as well as a songwriter. I was stunned when I heard the news. I remember walking around like a sleepwalker and crying off and on for the rest of the day. My daughter, who was 5-years old, kept asking me what was wrong. I recently saw the movie “The US vs. John Lennon” with her and cried during the movie, too. What a waste his death was. I didn’t understand it then, and still don’t understand it today. How can people be so angry with the way you conduct your life that they decide you should die? There is another movie, “Shut Up and Sing,” coming to our local theater soon about The Dixie Chicks and all the trouble they had because Natalie Maines said one thing folks didn’t like. She had death threats, but luckily no one has tried to actually kill her. I know it’s things like this that stop other artists from speaking out. Whatever happened to free speech? Anyway, I will go through today thinking about our loss of a real hero and humanitarian.
Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today…
Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace…
You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world…
You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one
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